Burned Out

Humble Rising E85

[00:00:00] Arivee: We all deserve to have fulfilling careers and lives. We deserve to experience joy and peace, and freedom and all of those things that make us feel truly alive.

[00:00:20] It takes a lot of courage. For us to take the reins in our lives and take action that honors the deepest parts of ourselves in this current season of life, it takes a lot of courage to lean into growing and to lean into learning, and to know when it's time to make a change. I'm Arivee. I'm a mama of three and life and high-performance coach to women just like you.

[00:00:48] And this podcast is for all of us looking to grow and learn and explore what a joyful and fulfilling life and career can look like [00:01:00] and how to start living into that life right now. We're going to go deep and we're going to honor our truth in this podcast. And the best thing is we're gonna do it together.

[00:01:11] So welcome to the Humble Rising Podcast.

[00:01:24] Many of you have been reaching out after listening to the podcast sharing how much something I said or something a guest said resonated with you or impacted you. So first, thank you. Thank you for listening. It makes my heart feel so full to know that you're, you're listening and you're soaking in everything that we talk about on the podcast.

[00:01:52] And second, one theme that has been coming up a lot and the messages that I'm getting and receiving is [00:02:00] that women are burnt out. Exhausted, stressed and are having a really challenging time in this season of life, especially my mom's out there with the young children, these little ones. It's not easy, and I know this isn't a new issue, right?

[00:02:17] I know that burnout, exhaustion, stress. These are not new things. I, as you know, have experienced this personally. And I know many of you have as well. We also know from the McKinsey report that was in the news at the time and all over the internet and other research, that women have reported higher levels of burnout than men for years.

[00:02:40] And I believe that gap has more than doubled since 2019. So in this episode, I wanted to share what I've learned about the difference between burnout and exhaustion or overwhelm. I'm obviously not a licensed physician [00:03:00] or a qualified licensed medical provider, so if you do have questions on whether you may have burnout or anything that I mention here, I ask that you please seek the guidance of a qualified licensed healthcare provider.

[00:03:16] I'm sharing what I've learned and my personal experience with burnout, stress, exhaustion, and depression. I've already shared my story for most of it with depression and burnout in a previous episode. So if you're interested in hearing about my experience or you're curious about that, you can for sure go back and listen to that episode as well.

[00:03:39] Let's start with what burnout is and is not. Burnout is not a medical condition. It's not a disease. But it is a real condition, and the term burnout was what American psychologist Herbert Friedenberg, in the 1970s used to [00:04:00] describe the consequences of. Extreme and severe stress in certain quote unquote, helping professions like the doctors and the nurses that he studied, who often felt like they were sacrificing themselves for others, they became exhausted.

[00:04:16] They lost energy, they had a complete depletion of their energy and were unable to cope. With a job, and we know now that burnout affects everyone from a career-driven professional to a stay-at-home mom, to anyone else who also feels that weight of self-sacrifice and overwork. Although burnout predominantly is related to work-related stress, even the World Health Organization has defined burnout as a syndrome resulting from chronic workplace stress.

[00:04:50] That has not been successfully managed. And I say that it is predominantly work-related stress, but we know that we take [00:05:00] our personal lives to work. We take ourselves to work. We can't separate ourselves from our work, so that means that we take our life. Our worries, our caregiving worries. All those concerns and challenges go with us.

[00:05:16] We don't leave our minds and worries behind at home when we are at work. And if you're working remotely, there isn't even any of that form of physical separation that you could get if weren't going into the office a few times a week, at least between work and your personal sphere. So how do you know it's burnout?

[00:05:39] What are the signs that you should be looking for in yourself? And this is important for you to recognize if it's only a temporary, stressful period in your life, or if you're tired because of a rough week or two or three, or if it could be considered burnout because it is normal to feel tired and exhausted when you're stressed.

[00:05:59] But [00:06:00] burnout is different. So according to the research, there are three major symptoms or signs of burnout. The first one is that you feel mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. Your energy is depleted, and I will share that. For me, this was 1000%. My experience, I was drained. I had nothing to give.

[00:06:27] I was done like it was, I got, I got nothing for anybody, even for myself. I was also not sleeping through the night. And when I say that, I mean I would have trouble going to sleep, so I would just be in bed. My mind would be racing and just worry after worry, after worry, after worry would keep running through my mind, but also my mind would be racing.

[00:06:49] I couldn't stop thinking about all the things I had to do, all the things I was failing at, and then would wake up throughout the night. So even when I got to sleep, which was hard to [00:07:00] do, I would then wake up two or three times a night, and even if I woke up once, I would have my mind be racing again, and then I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep.

[00:07:09] For one to two to three hours. So that first sign of hey, feeling mentally, emotionally, physically exhausted, and there being a depletion in your energy. That was totally my experience. The second symptom or sign of burnout is that you start to mentally, And emotionally distance or separate yourself from your job or any type of work related activity.

[00:07:35] So if you're experiencing burnout, you often will find your job, not just stressful, but really frustrating, and you might become cynical about work. You may start to feel negative about your career and numb about your work. And for me, because I also had depression, and I'll talk a little bit about the difference between depression and burnout in a few minutes.

[00:07:59] For me, [00:08:00] this one was a little different because I wasn't just numb about work. I was numb about everything. Like I couldn't feel anything. I just felt really sad about life and. It wasn't just limited to work, it was that I was completely depleted. I wasn't finding pleasure in anything. Things that used to give me joy, gave me no joy.

[00:08:21] Even when I was with my kids, I'd be with them, but I wasn't there. Like I could feel my, I was physically there, but my mind and my emotions, I wasn't there. Like I had I, like I said, I had nothing to give. So for me, when I look at this, Symptom and sign of burnout of distancing yourself from your job, becoming cynical about your work, you know, feeling negative about your career, numb about your work.

[00:08:46] For me, this was more of my depression because I was numb and felt negative about everything in my life. And that was a manifested in a lot of negative self-talk. Uh, a lot of negative self-talk that [00:09:00] I had to navigate to feel better. And the third symptom of burnout is that there is a decrease in your performance or your productivity at work.

[00:09:12] So burnout mainly impacts what you do every day at work. Or at home or when you're taking care of your family. And people with burnout are very negative about what they gotta do. They find it very difficult to concentrate and they have very low energy. Like you can't find that pep in your step anymore to get it done.

[00:09:34] And for me, that was completely true. I had a very hard time concentrating when I. Typically, that's my thing. If you give me something, I can focus. You give me certain things that I need to be doing. I can manage my energy and get those things done the way I need to. But at that time in my life, it was so hard for me to focus and.

[00:09:57] It was hard for me [00:10:00] because I felt like, you know when your tire is stuck in mud, although, you know, to be honest, I'm thinking of movies where this happens. It's never really happened to me, but I'm thinking of that like quintessential movie where that scene happens where the car is going along and hits like a muddy.

[00:10:19] Piece of the road or whatever it is, and the tire, like one of the back tires, gets stuck in the mud and maybe it's like a little hole and the wheel just keeps spinning. Like that tire keeps spinning and spinning, but it's not going anywhere because it's stuck. The, the rest of the car is stuck. That's how it felt.

[00:10:39] The car is here. The car is stuck. The car will get unstuck if this tire will just pick up the mud and then go instead of just spinning in the air. And that's how it felt all the time. Like my wheels were spinning, but nothing was actually going anywhere. So when I would be working on things, no matter what it was, it could have been something for my kids, like whatever I was [00:11:00] doing, I would be doing it for a long time and feel like I didn't make any progress.

[00:11:04] And sometimes I didn't make any progress. Like I would read the same thing over and over and over and recheck and double check and quadruple check. Not because I was being perfectionist. I literally would forget that I checked or I'd be like, no, no, no, no, no. Have to check again. Have to check again. It was this constant need to concentrate and focus.

[00:11:31] It's like my brain would start over again. Every time I would go to refocus, it's like, okay, again and again, and it was this brutal cycle. I can't tell you how many nights I spent till like two in the morning doing that to myself. It was. Freaking awful. I'm not gonna sugarcoat that. Now, you might be asking yourself, wait, what's the difference between burnout and depression?

[00:11:58] And I. I can [00:12:00] share that as you know, I had it as I mentioned, but some of the symptoms that are considered signs of burnout also occur in depression. Right? Some of them are, you feel extremely exhausted. You feel really down on yourself. You are not producing what you typically do produce at work. You're not performing at the same level with the same level of concentration, with the same level of focus.

[00:12:24] But because some of the symptoms are similar between burnout and depression, some people may be diagnosed with burnout. So people may say, okay, you have burnout. Although they really have depression. I didn't just have burnout, I also had depression. So me taking a week or two vacation was not going to treat my depression because if you're exhausted and stressed, two weeks may be enough to recover and get back to work and your and your life.

[00:12:50] You know when you have like a really exhausting period of work sometimes, or just of life, right? Taking care of your kids and working and all the things, and you're like, oh, I really need a [00:13:00] vacation. And you go on the vacation. I mean, I believe minimum week, two weeks is amazing. Two weeks really lets you rest.

[00:13:07] You get back and you're like, oh, okay. I feel recharged. This is great, right? With depression. It's not enough. Vacation is just not going to cut it. It actually may be misery. Misery because you may need something different entirely. I remember for me, I was an intense therapy. I had a whole team with me, right?

[00:13:27] My therapist, I had my general healthcare provider. I had eventually a psychiatrist and. I had people who I needed to support me. Now, if I'm, I'm not mentioning my family, obviously, they, they supported me too and very good friends as well. But a vacation was not going to solve or resolve my depression.

[00:13:51] That was not going to work for me. It would've made it a lot harder because I would just be in paradise, freaking sad, sad that I was sad [00:14:00] that I was in paradise and sad. That's again, how my mind was working at that time. So I wouldn't have found pleasure in that. That's the whole point, is that. Even when I was with my kids, I wasn't finding pleasure in that, where I always did, and then all of a sudden, not all of a sudden, this is gradual, but you recognize it maybe a little bit all of a sudden where you're like, oh, I'm not feeling the way I usually feel.

[00:14:22] This is, this is, doesn't feel good to me. And with depression, people often also experience really negative thoughts and feelings about themselves, about them as a person or in different areas of their life beyond work. So they could have low self-esteem, they could feel hopeless. They could, like I mentioned, lack pleasure in doing things, or they could have even more severe symptoms.

[00:14:47] But those are not typical signs of burnout, right? So you could have burnout but may not have depression. Again, that was definitely not me, cuz I had both and I remember how it felt. I [00:15:00] remember, I admit that some of it is a blur, but I remember the feeling enough to know that I never wanna feel like that again.

[00:15:10] So this is what I need you to do. If anything I've said resonates deeply with you, I need you to go ask for help and ask for support. You heard my friend and therapist, joy Langley in a previous episode, say this in her final takeaway comment to just get support. You don't have to go through this alone.

[00:15:35] I'm telling you I have tried that route to tough it out to justify my pain and my suffering by saying I should be grateful. Wait, no. I shamed myself. I shamed myself into trying to tough it out by saying I should just be grateful. I was weaponizing gratitude against myself. I was weaponizing all the great lessons I had been taught about a [00:16:00] strong work ethic and resilience and strength against myself.

[00:16:05] No one. No one. Not your parents, not your family, not your friends, not your children. Your partner, your colleagues, your favorite people. Those who truly care and love you, none of them would want you to suffer in this way. If you feel you may be burnt out or depressed, and I know, look, I know there are deadlines.

[00:16:27] You got stuff to do. You have stuff to do. There are little ones. You have bigger kids maybe to take care of. Maybe it's your parents who you were taking care of. I know you don't wanna make a fuss, you don't wanna be a burden. I know you wanna be strong and you are strong, but you think strong means sucking this up.

[00:16:48] I know. I know it because that was me. Those are my thoughts until I literally freaking broke. I freaking broke. I would use the other F word, but you know, I'm trying to be [00:17:00] a little bit more appropriate. I literally broke. I was not just exhausted or tired, overwhelmed. I had no energy. I was completely devoid of energy, like level negative 10, not even zero.

[00:17:14] I had nothing, nothing to give myself or my kids or anyone. I grew distant from my family. Meaning mentally, emotionally, distant. Even my closest friends didn't know at first because I hid it from them too. I was embarrassed. I was like, why can't I have my SH together? Why can't I get my ish together to everyone?

[00:17:36] I was fine. Meaning I said that. I, are you doing? I'm fine. Oh, it's good. It's great. Yes. Great. I was not fine. I was not great. I was not good, but I put on the face, you put on when you're hiding how you're crumbling inside, but you need to act like you have your stuff together. I know I did it. I'm here to tell you I know what that's like.

[00:17:57] I fell apart. I was in a million pieces. [00:18:00] I didn't know if it was going to get better. I was like, just one more day. Just one more day. Just one more day. And until my, my body finally was like with panic attacks, it's like, Nope, I no more. One more days because it's happening now. And you're not listening. So I'm gonna scream, scream, scream, scream, until you get it.

[00:18:17] That we need to shut this down. We need to shut it down. That's really what happened to me. My body forced me to shut it down and recognize what was happening to me, so I didn't know if it was gonna get better. I felt so hopeless at the time. You have no idea. At that time, I just, I didn't know, and I don't remember if I shared this previously, but one of the things I would always tell my therapist in the beginning, and I remember this very clearly, is that I would tell her, I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[00:18:47] I can't even have hope because I don't even see a flicker of light. It's just freaking dark in there and it's, this feels so bad. It just feels like, what am I walking towards, driving [00:19:00] towards if there's no light? And then literally, I tell you, one day, this is over months. Okay? One day nothing happened. All of a sudden, okay?

[00:19:12] But one day I remember being like, oh, it's like the point of a pen, amount of light. Like a little, not even a dot, like a a point. And I was like, oh my gosh, I see some light. I was like, okay. This like teeny, teeny, teeny, teeny. Not even a glimmer of hope, like a teeny thing of hope. And I held onto it. I was like, okay.

[00:19:35] And then I walked towards that. And that light, that little point of light, not even a glimmer, it's like a teeny little thing of light, got bigger and bigger and bigger. And it was only in letting people support me as I was trying to put myself back together, that I believe I'm here today, like full step.

[00:19:57] It could have gotten much, much worse, [00:20:00] and it was pretty bad. It was pretty debilitating. And pretty disruptive. Like it was disruptive for my life. I mean, it is disruptive because you're literally, your body is like, no more. I will not take this anymore. And your mind and your emotions are like, you need to take care of yourself.

[00:20:19] And I believe I'm here today and recording this podcast for you because I allowed people to be there for me, even when I was really hesitant about it. It's why I'm feeling really good about my work and all I do. It's why I'm uncovering even more parts of myself that I've been able to unlock because I'm really standing in my deepest truths and my deepest values and my deepest purpose and sense of meaning.

[00:20:47] And it's why it's my number one priority to take care of my wellbeing before everything else. Every single day I have become my number one priority. And that is a [00:21:00] radical thing to say cuz it feels selfish, it sounds icky when I say it, but I know, I know it's not. It's necessary for my health. My life literally depends on it, but I wouldn't have realized any of that without support, without reaching out, without getting therapy, and a psychiatrist being evaluated without being open to different coping tools along the way, including medication.

[00:21:27] And I've resisted that for months too. Mine was a journey. You know yourself best. You know how much of what I'm saying is resonating. Listen to that. Don't ignore it. Please don't wait. Please go get the support you know you need, even if it's hard to ask for it. You have the power to do that. You don't have to live like this.

[00:21:49] You don't have to continue to do this. You can redefine how your life is going right now with that step. And I hope you do that for yourself, and I will [00:22:00] be over here with my prayers up for you, and I'll be sending you so much pure and peaceful energy and love. I'm always, always, always, always sending you.

[00:22:13] So much love

[00:22:28] if you are a woman lawyer or a woman working in other fast-paced corporate environments, and you're looking to conceal less overwhelmed and unsure and more empowered and fulfilled in your career and your personal life. Join my Women Empowering Women email community by going to avie vargas.com to sign up, or you can click the link in the note of this episode.

[00:22:57] Don't forget to also grab my five-step guide [00:23:00] on how to get clarity on what needs to change to feel good about your life in this season, and how to make that change happen. You can get it at arivee@ariveevargas.com or scroll down in the notes to this episode and click on the link. Finally, if you're loving these episodes, spread that love by reviewing and rating this podcast so we can get more women feeling heard, feeling seen, inspired, and, and empowered.

[00:23:30] Until then, remember that you have way more power than you can imagine to create the change you want and deserve in your life to live. A life you feel good about. You're powerful now. So harness it now is your time.[00:24:00]