Get unstuck with 3 powerful questions
Humble Rising E74 Transcript March 27 2023
[00:00:00] We all deserve to have fulfilling careers and lives. We deserve to experience joy and peace, and freedom, and all of those things that make us feel truly alive.
[00:00:20] It takes a lot of courage for us to take the reins in our lives and take action that honors the deepest parts of ourselves in this current season of life. It takes a lot of courage to lean into growing and to lean into learning, and to know when it's time to make a change. I’m Arivee. I'm a first generation Latina, mom of three, and life and high performance coach to women just like you.
[00:00:50] And this podcast is for all of us looking to grow and learn and explore what a joyful and fulfilling life and [00:01:00] career can look like. And how to start living into that life right now. We're going to go deep and we're going to honor our truth in this podcast, and the best thing is we're gonna do it together.
[00:01:13] So welcome to the Humble Rising Podcast.
[00:01:26] Today, I’m sharing with you three of my go-to powerful questions that I use as a coach. You know, when I'm coaching, I'm asking questions and I'm being curious and helping you get from where you are to where you wanna be. And we navigate all the challenges along the way because there will be challenges to get to that place.
[00:01:50] But asking questions and being curious, that's my jam, that's my thing. And I wanted to share three of the questions that I actually do use, and I may use a [00:02:00] variation of them, but I wanted to share them with you to see if you wanna try them on yourself. Think of it as an invitation to ask yourself some questions and [00:02:11] really consider being open to answering them honestly. That's really important- being honest with yourself about the answers. So these are great questions if you are, you're stuck or you're uncertain or you're confused about something that's going on in your life or what to do about something in your life, something's[00:02:31] tugging at you and you're not sure what to do next or what to think so you're at some kind of crossroads. Or it could be that you're looking to do something different and you're not sure if you should. So again, that stuckness feeling is coming through. So here are the three questions that may help.
[00:02:46] Again, these are questions you can ask yourself. You could also talk to a really good friend and have them ask you the question and see how it feels for you to verbally out loud answer it. So you could do this in a journal. You could write on your [00:03:00] own journal. You could talk to a friend about the question and the answer, and you can speak it out verbally.
[00:03:05] You could speak it out verbally in a voice memo or just literally in a run by yourself. Ask yourself the question and then answer it verbally and just hear yourself, hear the words that are coming out and see if that would help. So here are the three questions. The first is, do I decide to shift gears or do I bloom where I'm planted?
[00:03:25] Now, let me just clarify. When I say blooming where I'm planted, I know this phrase comes from somewhere. I'm not sure if it's the Bible or something. I'm not sure where it comes from, but it could be grow where you're planted or bloom where you're planted. But generally, when we're talking about growing where you're planted or blooming where you're planted, it means to me that you accept where you are, right?
[00:03:49] You're planted somewhere already. So you're there. It's about accepting where you are. And there is some type of surrender to that, right? Like when you're planted [00:04:00] somewhere, you have roots there and they've formed in some way form or fashion, and you're there. And when you accept that position, you accept where you are.
[00:04:10] You accept where you're planted in the soil. There is some surrender to that. Because you're there. You have roots there, and here is where you stop fighting with yourself in your mind about. I think of all the plants I've killed over the years, especially my succulents. And people will wonder, how do you kill a succulent?
[00:04:30] Well, I could show you how you kill a succulent. You don't give it sunlight that it needs and you don't water it, you don't water it enough. But I do have succulents that have survived in plants that are thriving. However, I've had my share of killing succulents, and I think of it like you plant the succulent, [00:04:47] I have succulents in a pot, right? So say they're very small, it'd be three to four inches in diameter, and you put it on the windowsill and you think it's getting enough sunlight. [00:05:00] But it's totally not because then a week later, you can see the succulent leaning towards the window like, please, “I need more sun”.
[00:05:07] “I need more sun”. And so I think I've had succulents that leaned over and stayed leaning over and were like, “Well, I guess I'll just grow where I'm planted. I guess I'll just grow where I'm at. The sun is never gonna hit me the way I want it to hit me so I can go straight, so I'm gonna just lean over and get the sun this way, and I guess this is how I'm gonna grow.”
[00:05:26] I literally think of it that way when I think about my plants. And that's where the succulent, and you know, I'm not saying you're a succulent, but that's where, you know, you stop fighting with yourself in your mind about where you're planted, “Should I be planted here? Shouldn't I, shouldn't the pot move to the other windowsill?”
[00:05:42] You know, the plant would be talking to me and say, I mean they don't wanna talk to me, but if they were to speak to me, they would say, “Can you please move me to a place that has full sunlight all the time? Because I'm not growing here, I'm not growing the way I wanna grow.” And when you grow where you’re planted, you're just saying, “Okay, I guess I'll just do the [00:06:00] best of what I got right where I am.”
[00:06:02] So you stop fighting with yourself about it, about wanting to be somewhere else, and you look around your environment assuming it's healthy, right? And say, “You know, I'm gonna stay here. I'm gonna stay here. Okay. It's not maybe ultimately how I would wanna be growing right now, but right now it's okay for me. [00:06:19] And I'm steady, I'm stable, I'm still getting some sunlight, I'm still growing. And I'm gonna make this work and I'm gonna appreciate what it is and I can reevaluate later, right?” My succulent was hanging out with other succulents, so he is like, okay, maybe I'll just, or she's like, or they are like, “Okay, I'll just hang out with these other succulents and not get my full sunlight. [00:06:38] But it's okay. I'm okay with this. I can grow this way.” So it's really about being okay with where you are and being able to stop fighting with yourself about it, about wanting to be someplace else or doing something, something else, right? So if you're, for example, deciding whether to go for a promotion or switch roles or switch jobs, or maybe you're [00:07:00] wondering, “Should I have more kids? [00:07:02] Should we move to a house or a different apartment or a different place? Should you go back to school and get, maybe, your advanced degree or not. Should you become an entrepreneur? Should you go part-time?” I mean, there's so many different scenarios where this could apply, it's whether do you actually decide to shift gears?
[00:07:21] Do you wanna move from where you're at? Or do you wanna bloom where you're planted? Second question is, and I love this question. I've been recently a little bit obsessed with this question. If I ran into you three years from today and I see you, and I haven't seen you in a while, and I'm like, “Oh, how are you? [00:07:40] How are you doing?” And then you respond. Your eyes are wide open and you have the biggest smile on your face, and you're kind of surprised to say this to me like this. The look on your face is like, “I can't believe I'm saying this, but”, and you say, “this has been the best three [00:08:00] years of my life”. And I'm like, oh my gosh. [00:08:03] I look at you, you're glowing. Like tell me what made them the best three years. And then you go on to describe to me what has actually happened in the past three years to make them the best three years of. your life. Now, don't be fooled. This is a disguised visioning exercise. When I talk to my clients and I talk to people about visioning, usually they always will do it, but when you ever, you talk about visualization generally, people like, wait, does that some like woo woo weird thing?
[00:08:33] And I'm like, no. It's just about thinking of your future self. That's all it is. And so this is a way to get to a visioning exercise. You know, visioning, if I were to ask that question in a more traditional visioning way, I would say, okay, picture your life three years from now. Walk me through a great day in your life from when you wake up to when you go to sleep.
[00:08:57] Tell me what you are tasting, [00:09:00] smelling, seeing, who you're talking to, what are you doing? I mean, you literally are walking me through a whole day in your life. Three years from now, or you could do one year from now. I love one year from now because, to me, it seems more, it's closer and it seems more tangible for a lot of people.
[00:09:16] Or you could do five or 10 years- you really decide. But using three years, I’d really like, because three to four years is when people start to get itchy. They start to get antsy. They start to be like, eh, is this what I wanna be doing? Is this how I wanna be living? It's like that critical time [00:09:34] where you're really thinking through things. At least that's been my experience and for people that I've worked with. So think about it as an opportunity to think of what your future self, like what would your future self look like? But this is a different perspective because you're literally reflecting on the best three years of your life that have already happened, and your brain has to go to work to think through- what [00:10:00] would that actually look like?
[00:10:01] And that can be really powerful. So this is a great question. If you're really stuck on a decision, if you're really stuck on a decision like, should I do this or do that? This is a really cool question because it'll make it clearer for you about what's super important. Like when you look forward three years from now, and then if you're in that three-year place and you're looking backwards, just what you're sharing with me, right?
[00:10:24] You're sharing with me what's made them the best three years of your life. In that moment, you're gonna know what decision you made, but you may have known that decision that you’ve made. You'll feel it, you'll feel it. So that's the question, right? If I ran into you three years from now, I ask how you are and you say, this has been the best three years of your life, [00:10:43] tell me what made them the best three years. Okay, third question. This is the last one. The question is, what would it take for that to happen? So let me give you a simple example. So say if I, and this is [00:11:00] actually a real example because it’s actually true for me. I'm sharing a very personal thing. I want to be able to meditate, journal and workout and get ready in the morning [00:11:13] meaning I'm showering, right? I'm showering. I'm doing all the stuff and getting ready before the children, before my three lovely children, wake up in the morning, and I wanna do that every weekday. When I say, even when I say that out loud, because I'm in this right now, I'm figuring out how am I gonna do this? I have a plan.
[00:11:34] But you know, even when I say that out loud, I literally like shutter. It's like, oh, like that is, that sounds bananas. Like who is gonna do all of that before their children wake up at 7, 6:30 AM, 7:00 AM. And I've decided, if I wanna do those things, I have to do them in the morning before they wake up because they're just not, it's not gonna happen at night.
[00:11:54] And I am very good about working out five days a week. I have not been as good [00:12:00] at meditating. I journal, but I'm not as good at meditating and I really wanna see the benefits of that and to do, to see the benefits of it, you have to do it consistently and be really open to it and not feel rushed when you're doing it because that [00:12:12] kind of defeats the purpose. So the question for me, as I think about, ooh, that sounds overwhelming, how are you gonna figure that out? The question for me is, what would it take for that to happen? What would it take for me to meditate, journal, workout, and get writing before the kids wake up in the morning five times a week?
[00:12:32] What would it take for that to happen? And so I'll answer it for you. Okay. That means I probably have to get up at 5 AM. I would meditate first, then I would workout, then I would journal, then I would get ready, and I would try that for a week. To see how that timeframe works for me. 5 AM, see how it works.
[00:12:52] If it doesn't work, do I push it up? Do I move my journaling to the evening, maybe? What do I adjust? But I'm gonna try. What would it take? I'm gonna [00:13:00] try something first. This is what I'm gonna try to see if it works for me. And if I can get to that goal of meditate, journal, workout, get ready before the kids wake up in the morning each weekday, if I can get there with that first try, awesome.
[00:13:12] If I can't, okay, I'm gonna try something else. And I'm gonna say, what would it take for that to happen. So those are your three questions. Feel free to pause so you can get a paper and pen or jot these down some way. Right? The first one is to review, do I decide to shift gears? Do I decide to make a change or do I bloom where I'm planted?
[00:13:34] The second one is, if I ran into you three years from now, I ask how you're doing. You respond to me and say, “Well, this has been the best three years of my life”. And I ask you, “Oh, can you tell me what made them the best three years of your life?” And the third one is, what would it take for that to happen? You have a goal- [00:13:54] what would it take for that to happen? Especially when you're stuck and you don't know what to do first. [00:14:00] Ask yourself, what would it take for that to happen? You know, sometimes you're one conversation with yourself away from a breakthrough moment, from a realization that you, that's inside of you, but hasn't been able to be pulled out yet.
[00:14:13] Right? And we have to give ourselves the opportunity to have those moments. That means we have to give ourselves the space. We have to give ourselves the space to have them. That means we have to give ourselves the space from other people, from the distractions so that we're in a mental and emotional state to ask ourselves these questions and to be honest with ourselves about the answers.
[00:14:40] It's really important that if you find yourself self-editing, self-judging you, you're doing that while you're answering these questions, we have to be able to let that go. Recognize it for what it is and say, “Hey, hey, hey, hey. I know that judging part of you is trying to protect you, but tell that part [00:15:00] that you're okay and you can do this.”
[00:15:02] Have fun with these questions. Be introspective with these questions. Be honest with yourself with these questions, and I'm sure you're going to have some “aha moments” when you answer them. Until next time.
[00:15:27] Thank you so much for listening. If you’re a woman lawyer or a woman working in other fast-paced corporate environments, and you're looking to feel less overwhelmed and unsure, and more empowered and fulfilled in your career and your personal life, join my Women Empowering Women email community by going to @avvargas.com to sign up, or you can click the link in the note of this episode.
[00:15:58] Don't forget to also [00:16:00] grab my five step guide on how to get clarity on what needs to change to feel good about your life in this season and how to make that change happen. You can get it @avvargas.com or scroll down in the notes to this episode and click on the link. Finally, if you're loving these episodes, spread that love by reviewing and rating this podcast so we can get more women feeling heard, feeling seen, inspired, and empowered.
[00:16:31] Until then, remember that you have way more power than you can imagine to create the change you want and deserve in your life, to live a life you feel good about. You're powerful now. So harness it. Now is your time.[00:17:00]