Episode 6 Transcript

Arivee Vargas: Hi I'm Arivee Vargas. I believe we're all so powerful beyond our wildest imaginations. We have the ability to overcome the fears, self-doubt, negative beliefs and all the other roadblocks that hold us back from having the life and career we really want and deserve. That's why I created the Humble Rising podcast. 

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I want to help you get clear on what a joyful and fulfilling life and career looks like for you. And help you go after it with all you have. Each week, we'll talk to badass inspirational women sharing their journeys. We’ll dig into their successes, their failures, challenges, the different shifts, and their careers in their personal lives and so much more. Be inspired, get motivated, and get ready to rise. This is the Humble Rising Podcast. 

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Tosin Richard: Where's the husband? Where the kids? That is my culture and understanding the impacts that that has had on you for years and how that is formed in some cases shaped or misshaped your values, it's important. Because the question becomes, is it your voice or is it their voice that has become yours? 

Arivee: This week I had an incredible conversation with Tosin Richard but let me first tell you a bit about her. Doctor Tosin, Richard, as she is commonly referred, has dedicated her professional life to student advocacy. Her commitment to varied student interests was so dominant and far reaching that Morgan State University President David Wilson created the position of special advisor student leadership and scholar development to maximize her availability to Morgan students. Though her expertise is in public relations and higher education with the number of people who pour out their issues to her. You'd be sure she was a therapist. For the record she isn't. However, being so-called. Armchair therapist to over 300 people a yearly and that student and non-students. She realized that the people seeking a shift had last clarity of what they really wanted. And though they have the answer they needed help uncovering them. This led her to create the simple blueprint, a short-term coaching program where she champions and challenges people to get out of their own way and go after self-defined fulfillment under the pen name Tosin Richard. She is also an internationally published author. Her work has appeared in American based heart and Soul magazine, South African based Destiny magazine and the Observer. She’s also author the novel “Skinny Women are perfect.” And introverted workaholic, packaged in a fashion loving, clean faced, deceptively charming extrovert, Tosin says. Give me a good cup of tea, a place to write, a space to connect spiritually, and my dogs and good luck finding me. In this episode, Tosin and I delve into her simple blueprint coaching program, requiring deep self-confrontation and honesty with one's values, the challenges to obtaining clarity on who you really are and want. And her book, “Skinny women are perfect.” You're going to love what Tosin shares in this episode. So, without further ado, here's my conversation with Tosin 

Hi Tosin. How are you? 

Tosin: Hi Arivee, how are you? 

Arivee: Good. Thank you so much for. Being here and and being willing to have a conversation with me on the podcast. 

Tosin: Thanks for inviting me. I I feel special. I actually really do feel special, but thanks for inviting me. 

Arivee: I'm so looking forward to our conversation. So, I I wanted us to start just by you telling us a little bit about yourself. 

Tosin: Sure, sure. So, I I wanna break down my name first. cause. You're gonna call me Tosin quite a bit. And for anyone who's happened to listen. Especially if you're Nigerian. You're like, wait, that's not your complete name, so it's Oluwatosin is my full first name. I always invite people to call me to say Tosin yes because it is easier for them. And then my full last name is Adebayo. I only invite Nigerians to try it and nobody else cause it's even I my father laughs at the web, pronounce my last name all the time, because in my culture the GB is one letter in the alphabet. So, it’s a sound, so I don't get it right. OK, cool. So less than a side I am Tosin. I am I like to call myself an internationally bread Nigerian. My parents left Nigeria when I was two years old for my parents to further their education, and we were raised for a good chunk in England and then other parts of Africa, including Nigeria and The Gambia. So, when I say I'm internationally bred, I I wear that badge with honor. I am a very open and accepting person. I know a lot of people say they don't judge. I truly don't judge a single soul cause dear God, I'm pretty much wretched myself most of the time, so I have no right to judge people. I love observing people. I love observing the way they relate with themselves, with the way they relate with each other, so I don't have a favorite place, for example, as long as I can sit back and watch how different people are that absolutely excites me. What else do I want to say about myself? I'm a dog nut I have a Yorkshire Terrier who literally terrorizes my life, and I love that. Not gonna go into my resume. Uh I I jokingly and seriously say that everybody got a resume and they're pretty boring most of the time, unless you bet you work their fields. I'm not gonna go into my resume. I I do have a doctorate in communication. I am a student advocate. I absolutely love love, love, love my students. I am fulfilled by what I do with students, and I think it plays into what I find my role and life is, and that is to be a cheerleader for people to get people out of their own way, to get people to seek out what fulfills them at all costs and make sure that whatever that is is a good part of their life. I don't know if I told you about me or what I like, but I think I gave you a little bit of everything. 

Arivee: I thank you. You said something that most people probably can't say. Which is what your role in life is, which is pretty (Tosin: wow!) right? Like many people take some a long time to figure that out, or they just don't know. I would love to talk more about what you said about being a cheerleader for people, and you mentioned like you love your students, and you would like to help people get out of their own way and make sure that they find what fulfills them. I would love for you, especially, for our audience to talk a little bit more about. What you think are the key challenges that people face like why they get in their own way. 

Tosin: I think it's simple. OK, so I promise you this is not an intentional plug for my program. I swear it isn't. But I do have a program called the simple blueprint. And I'm not gonna tell you what it's about, but I want to use the word simple. You had asked me. What is it? That makes people get into their own way, and simple as an acronym I I don't remember things very well so I create acronyms so that I will remember them and the essence symbol is self, confrontation. And I think the reason why people are in their own ways, quite a bit of the time is because we do not self-confront society has uh. Let me make it very specific to the United States of America, or, if used to say, all of society. So, the United States of America has done a really, really, really good job of celebrating the mediocre has done a really, really good job of telling us that whoever we are, whatever we are will be fine. And there's truth to that. There is. There is my really big however, the big, however, is. It also has a large, quite a number of us. Not to be honest with who we are. Not to be honest about what we can and cannot really do. Not to be honest about what our capacity and our ability is in the sense that it's not that you cannot do it. It's why don't you find the necessary things to equip you to be the best of whatever it is that you say you want to do, no or society tells you is you can do it. Society tells you Lord have mercy fake it til you make it. I hate that phrase. Hate it. I understand where it is coming from. It is meant to be inspiring. It is meant to be encouraging. It is meant to get you to emulate or observe until. What I find this so many of us stay in that one space that, oh, I see it Arivee is amazing. I'm just gonna do exactly what are Arivee does but hold on. Hold on. You’re not Arivee that's number one. Number two who the heck are you? (Arivee: Yeah) And can we get into you and into finding out what qualities exist within you that actually might allow you to swim in Arivee’s space, which you cannot be Arivee. Because she's done her own work to find out exactly who she is to figure out this is what she needs to be doing. So that is, if there's one thing solve confrontation and I use confrontation intentionally, but work is hard. (Arivee: Yes.) Why we try to make it sound as if it's easy. It's not. 

Arivee: You could, you could have called itself reflection. 

Tosin: I could have, but no, I did not want to. No, I want you to confront yourself. I want you to get angry. Yes, with the behaviors that you've had that are not serving you. (Arivee: Uh-huh.) Because look at what we do when we get angry, we react, we do something. What do we do when we reflect? I'm not saying your reflect is bad. Reflection is amazing. But you saw my entire demeanor. When I’m reflecting, I might need a cup of tea. I might need to sit back and, you know, get myself in a relaxing mode, make myself comfortable and then go down these journeys. And I may not react afterwards. I may have some profound thoughts that come from that. So, I am not knocking reflection. But for way too many of us, we stopped there. We do do the next part (Arivee: right) but I've I've seen people angry when you get angry. And and people belong in the same family, confrontation and anger. And and they belong in the same family. Confrontation and anger they they belong in the same family, to a certain degree. And when you when you get angry and you're confronting yourself, I'm pretty much telling to Tosin stop, stop with your BS. You reflected Tosin and got it. Now stop it. You can't be a Arivee why the heck can you try it? I need you to go and figure out Tosin and do something with that. So sorry, I'm I'm rambling. 

Arivee: No, this is great. No, this is no, this is really important because especially for those listening because. I agree that a lot of people stop at. Maybe that's why I do that. And then there's no action. There's no application of that. (Tosin: Yes.) And so how do you how do you see people take that step? To be like, OK, I can't do that. I'm gonna do this and this. These the actions I'm taking because of what I'm learning about myself and confronting about myself. 

Tosin: So. So, two things I have to saying. I I say I don't lie to myself again I lie to you sometimes, but I don't lie to myself after the self-confrontation, after you have reflected for some people and you know, figured out what these things are, the more you get uncomfortable with. I don’t wanna call it lies. That's not fair Tosin. The more you get uncomfortable with the false reality that you previously believed in. The more you start saying this isn't enough. This isn't good enough for me. I'm not really happy. I need to stop faking it. Whether you like it or not, you may not see verbally. Your your actions will will say it for you. Your demeanor will say it for you. Your freaking mind set will say it for you. You just get reminders of that new reality constantly. And most of us, because most of us love comfort, most of us want to be happy. We begin to start seeking out different things that allow us to go on that journey of happiness, so fulfillment, I don't think it's a very specific thing for everybody, but I do know that once you, once you realize what your problem is, the more you stay in the space of that problem. You either have to start masking terribly, or you start doing something different and not many of us are good maskers. It's why we need. I shouldn’t say need. It's why many of us turn devices to mask staying in that. That new truth, and though it's something that we know we should not be staying in. 

Arivee: Yes. Wait Tosin now that you're now that you were talking through this, I actually would actually love love for you to lay out what the simple group blueprint is. (Tosin: Oh gosh OK) because I think it's big now because I think it's important to put this into the larger context of that program. So yeah. 

Tosin: I went through a period Arivee, and I are alumni of an amazing program and amazing leadership program when a Arivee met me, I'm talking to Arivee or Arivee as if I'm not talking. Tosin stop it. Tosin stop it. Arivee, this is for the listeners. (Arivee: Yes.) OK. So, it's better for me to stop it, or say for me to stop. Anyone listening? Arivee knows it. This is literally how Tosin talks all the time. So, bear with me. So, when Arivee met me, or when I met Arivee I was in an extremely interesting space, and the space was me questioning why I am not fully stepping into what fulfills me? I am an introvert. I know I may not sound like it, but I am an introvert who knows how to be extroverted when she needs to be. And because of that in our workforce, because society celebrates extroverts I had been pushed and pushed and pushed to do all these spotlight roles and I I didn't like them. I was uncomfortable. I'm that person that wants to be behind Arivee like yes gurl you’re doing amazing list all those things to make sure you are literally humble rising at its fullest, that that's that's my, that's my lane. I'm comfortable in that lane. I love that lane. OK. I put the soup simple blueprints to work on me. The simple blueprint is an idea that all of us every last one of us can be fulfilled, not based on society's rules, not based on a prescription of how-to’s that everybody else gives us on blueprint that is self-defined. So, what I do with my simple blueprint is I I take you for 8 weeks through simple so confrontation, identification of patterns, mapping out your values, powering up your blueprint, leveraging your resources and execution. I take us through that. And when I say take us through that and all fairness, I'm journeying with you to uncover reveal directly put in your face for yourself what you really already know but have not necessarily gone through the work of revealing its yourself. Maybe because you do not know how. Maybe because you need an accountability cheerleader like Tosin who's gonna to stay your face no matter what. Nicely, most of the time, maybe whatever reason it is that's. That's what I take you through. So, yeah, that's a simple blueprint. You you are your own blueprint and that's just the god’s honest truth. I got tired of seeing so many messages tell us this is how to do this. And this is how to do that. And if you do abcdef. Guys, we all know that's not. That's not. That's not true. 'Cause we follow all of these things and then by the end of the day, it works for a little bit and then we start questioning again. So, it's kind of just want, I want you to be your own answer. And so yeah, that's it. 

Arivee: Yeah, because it's not true to you. Lower values and how you need to be in alignment. Yes. Yes, I'm curious about because you and I have talked so obviously about this podcast about coaching and and especially what we're talking about now. And I also had (Tosin: it freaks me out but go ahead. It's still freaks me out but go ahead.) I would love to hear more about when you take people through the values section.

Tosin: Oh gosh. OK so. Can I say I'm gonna say it? What I've been told is that my simple blueprint sessions is like therapy. But with somebody who isn't just sitting there listening and talking to you with demanding of you to go deep. Everyone cries through my sessions. (Arivee: That's great) I’m hesitant to say, but it's true. Yeah. And if my assistant. So, I have an assistant. And if my assistant will be listening to this should be like, yeah, Doctor Tosin everybody always cries. Even even my students in my office like I have a tissue box room in my office no I’m kidding and I'm not trying to get you to cry, but I happen to have Tosin owners I happen to have been good at getting into stop running away from yourself. (Arivee: Yes.) So, when we get to the values part. What I have found and it's it's a it's a series of exercises. I threw a bunch of words at you in a maze in a in a puzzle. And you start picking out the words that resonate most deeply with you, and you can't just tell me fate they can't just tell me one honesty you can't just you. No, no, no, no. What the F does that mean? And I I don't curse so don't get scared. I just use those. Yes, those letters and words every now and then. But I actually don't curse. So, it's safe for anybody to be listening to this. What does that mean? What? What does that mean it it's it's sounds good, but what does it mean? What does it mean to you? I drill us really deeply on the value section whereby we come up with 5 core values that define you and and it's again it's a series of talking through how it defines you. Which has you going all the way back to your childhood in some cases, in many cases, actually, your upbringing, your environment, your culture. Oluwatosin Richards is Nigerian. I've had some Nigerian clients that I've spoken to and they're like, Oh my gosh. I'm glad that you resonate with the fact that in my culture it's not often about what you want to do when you're being. When you're growing up, it's about even if it's never articulated. It's often about what you expect with the culture and now case the culture is family extended family um, expects of you your profession. Lord, have mercy. I had this conversation with my parents. Honestly, a couple of days ago and it was liberating to hear my father say honestly, I'm resolved if neither. They’re 4 of us, my siblings, but myself and my younger sister are not married. Lord have mercy. I I'm 40. I should be. Listen, any Nigerian parents that might be listening to this I just gave my age. They're probably like, what the heck is wrong with this chick. And she's on there talking about fulfillment and blah, blah, blah. Where's the husband? Where the kids? That's. That's my culture. That is my culture. And understanding the impacts that that has had on you for years. And how bad is formed in some cases shape or misshaped your values. It's important because the question becomes is it your voice or is it their voice that has become yours, that you would now spewing out as your values, so I have us go through all of that. It gets really deep. It gets really emotional for most people. We come away with here our five values and what I end up having us to do is write a value statement based on that and I challenge each person. But when they're seeking a new job. When they're seeking their own hey, I want to be an entrepreneur, or I want to do this. I want to do that. I want you to go back to that value statement and make sure that your value statement is reflected in these things that you're seeking out. It is reflected in your entrepreneurial pursuits, maybe not in the in the in the minutia, but in the overall idea because of those two things match up. Chances are you're going to be fulfilled no matter how difficult or challenging that journey is, but that's why we have to iron out what those values really mean and whether or not, you're out here perpetrating somebody else has values as your own, or if they really are yours up answer your question. 

Arivee: Yes, yes, you did. And I thought that was really helpful to anyone wondering why we would go through my values, and I challenge anyone to go through what Tosin just kind of laid out just on your own to figure that out and to get really clear with yourself on that. Tosin, do you think values change over time? Like your quote? 

Tosin Heck yes. Yeah. Heck yes. Heck yes. Heck yes. Yeah, not gonna go into too many details.

Arivee: And what about? (Tosin: And they should) Yes. Yes. 'Cause you evolve overtime and right. What about, you know, what fulfills you do you do you feel like that can shift overtime or do you feel like people are born meant to be something that connects them to something bigger and that thing that, that essence of who they are actually doesn't change, or does it can it change? What fulfills you? 

Tosin: I think it's both. I really think it's both. I think for a lot of us, the latter really does happen in a big way in the sense that you're helpful. It almost doesn't matter what space one puts you in, you want to help. (Arivee: Yes) and as long as those persons that you were trying to help get even just a little bit of it Arivee is going to feel generally fulfilled in life. (Arivee: Yes. That's true.) So, I I think it's that. But I also think that it's the forma as well, I think that. The different tangible things that could fill us are going to change overtime as they showed based on our different passions. I don't think passions last last for lifetime. I'm sorry. I think we are such dynamic human beings that we are brewing so many different passions within, and so some of those die off. And then others resurface. I say when one passion, one pursuit no longer fulfills you, by all means don't mourn that. Let it go. Then move on to the next one. But to tie those two things together, the intangible. IE the qualities Arivee help. She wants to see people do well and and so on and so forth. It almost won't matter which one of her passions she's pursuing at any given point in time. The helper in her is going to tie it all in. So, I think it's both and I, I think. When I have people professed one or the other, I'm quiet because I disagree. I I think it's both. 

Arivee: No, that's really good. So Tosin and I have a question about some of the advice or some of the guidance you've been given throughout your life. What would you say is some of the most impactful advice or words someone has shared with you that you keep to this day and that helps to guide you even when you have some dark moments?

Tosin: The one that immediately comes to mind, is very, very quick and it's gonna be quick. I promise. Very quick back story. My parents have four kids. I'm number two of four. I am probably the weirdest of all four. Not probably. I am the weirdest of all four. I am also the most reserved of all four. I'm in my own head a lot, and that's been from conception. It's just it's not that Tosin grew into that person that's just been from, oh, OK, so I don't know if my mom is still here, but my mom was eaves dropping listeners. My mom and I had an interesting relationship when I were growing up. We were not the closest. She was mom mode to the 10th power. So, I just never felt I had a friend and I never felt I could relate with anybody and that spilled over from inside the home to outside of the home. So, for very, very long time I've always thought something's wrong with. Like there's got to be something wrong with me, like WT Fudge. My very first walk on a beach was with my father and I'm not claiming that my father understands me or even understood me then, but his actions on that beach walk, where he didn't question anything, I had to say, he didn't push back on anything. He was mostly silent, not even giving any advice. It made me realize that in my WT Fudginess of who I am I'm I'm OK. I'm all of these things are necessary. The quirky Tosin. The Tosin who talks to herself in third person. The the ridiculously flawed and quiet Tosin who sometimes really cannot get out of row in hand. All of those things serve a purpose, all of them and instead of me sitting there beating myself up. I need to learn to leverage those different qualities of myself and make sure that I am in my best fit spaces. So that I don't feel too uncomfortable, or I don't feel too self-judgmental. I don't think it's advice, it's just learning through behavior that my father exemplified for me that every last one of us. Man, I know people say it and it sounds good. But for the ones who feel they're really different, we don't really believe you when you say it, but every last one of us is crafted this way for reason, and all of those reasons are good. Like all of those reasons are called I I am a Christian. So, permit me to say this UM and and for those who are not Christians, that would to be listening, still permit me to see it because it's still applies and promise it does. There is a verse in the Bible. I'm not gonna quoting the Bible, so I'm not taking you to church or anything, but there's a theirs in the Bible that says that we're all created in God's likeness and image. And in that likeness and image, we're all good. So. Wow, every time I remember that every time, I think about that, I'm like, OK, yes, Tosin, you're crazy. You're this, you're this, you're that. But you’re good. Not just because you are, but because something bigger than you says that you are, and I've got to take solace in that, that, that that takes me through it every single time I have a bad moment and I'm just being honest. Cause persons like me. It's not the outside. It's what the outside world says that we now go back and judge ourselves on. We do a lot of we can do a lot of damage to ourselves, so reminding yourself that. Wait, wait, wait. You're good. It it it does something for me. I know I sound ridiculously simplistic. I I get that, but it really has helped me professionally, mentally, emotionally. It's helped me in every area of my life that I don't need to be like Arivee. All of Arivee’s qualities are in, Arivee for a reason, and they're not in me for reason. And just because they're not in me, does not make you any less than Arivee, Tosin. It just makes you this different, quirky human being. Work with strength and you’ll be good. (Arivee: Yes. Yes, yes.) I feel all of my answers have been 

Arivee: Amen No, not at all. So, wait. So, and I, I love this because then the question and I've been I've been struggling with this question for quite some time actually is what's the line between acceptance like I'm good. I'm. I'm I'm now stat and wanting to grow and wanting to challenge yourself like we are talked about getting out of your comfort zone. To fulfill your potential into to find the thing that actually does fulfill you. What's that like? And I don't. I mean, I don't have the answer. I'm. I'm actually. I'm struggling with this. You know. 

Tosin: I don't think I. No, I don't think I know. I don't have the answer. I don't think anybody does. I think the line is different for each one of us, and I think it's an intuitive line. I I don't think it is. Is this this knowing when no Tosin accepting herself is good, yes. Well than Tosin will still ask yourself every now and then. OK, yeah, it's good. But are are we are we living up to the potential of that goodness? (Arivee: Yes) And if you if you somebody that is honest with yourself, you can answer that and in some space is the answer, might be well yes. And then in other spaces the answer might be well, well. Oh no. So, let's do something about that. (Arivee: Yes.) Yeah. So, I I think it's different from person to person. I we cannot overestimate the importance of being honest with yourself, I I really think all of the things that we're talking about now stems from how honest are you with yourself? I really do. Because with that, with without that as the foundation. I don't think anything changes you. You go through the motions. Do all the coaching classes in the world, all of that, all of that? Yeah. Great. Look at you. And then we're back. We're back. We're back there. We're we're. We're going to be back there because you were never truly honest with yourself to start off. 

Arivee: Yes. Maybe this is more of five years ago for me, but I was using. Being quote unquote better at things and excelling at things as a means to fulfill me and to feel good enough right, instead of being like no, I'm good enough because I exist and because God made me that way, I believe exactly that I believe that too. But I was looking for external validation to feel that rather than be like I am enough and I'm gonna go for this because yes, that's gonna make. Do you feel, you know, let up? And make me feel like I am flexing every muscle that I have. (Tosin: yes) and I think there, and this brings me to your book, (Tosin: OK) because for those who are listening Tosin has a novel. It's called, “Skinny Women are Perfect” (Tosin: Yes. Tongue in cheek guys tongue in cheek) and you and you have to go get it and read it. It's on Amazon. It's, you know, Amazon prime in two days. Tosin tell us a little bit about the book and then we're gonna. I wanna get into a couple of passages that I thought were really, really impactful. 

Tosin: Sure. So again, when you're honest with yourself, you can be quite honest with others very quickly the book was inspired by a hospital visit where I started my reproductive or non-reproductive journey as a female. I'm that kids that wanted kids when I was 15. I'm sure if my parents heard this they would be like yeah, she was the one that if she happened to come home with a child, I wasn't promiscuous or anything. But I loved kids. And so, I had an incident once and I walked into the hospital after a series of visits, as I was walking out, UM, I had I had just received some really jarring news with regards to my possibility of ever being able to birth kids on my own, and it was the negative. And so, when I tell you I was broken, I was, I was destroyed. And I'm looking out in the waiting room, and I was well by myself. So, I'm shocked I was able to walk out. And this older lady. I'm I am slender. I know you guys won't get to see my beautiful frame, but I am slender, and I am tall, and I look like a model. I am not just saying that. That's what I get told constantly and I did model to be fair. And so, this lady looks at me and she says it with part compliment part spice. What I would give to be skinny and look like you. I didn't say anything. I got myself out of that room the second I walked out of that waiting room. I crumbled on the floor, and I cried. Like cried. She was pregnant. The lady, that was saying this to me was pregnant and if you heard what I just said, I just got news about Tosin chances that you're going to be able to ever give birth are about 2% chance or less. So, you're looking at me and you, you're looking at me as the image of perfection, and I'm looking at you, and I want what you're carrying. I want the ability to be able to to do that and I can't. And I'm asking myself how in the name of all things good are you looking at me and thinking I'm the image of what perfect is? That is how that title came to be. That’s literally it that's it. So go whole book itself is not the journey of of of somebody being skinny and perfect. It's a journey of how superficial that is. It's a journey of four girlfriends, each one of them dealing with life's ills and how they navigate those things and the reality by the end of the day that. I guess I've been looking within for a while. The reality that looking within is where all your answers really really reside and sometimes looking in definitely means confronting what has been your environment has been your culture has been your best has been your. 'Cause, the four girls do end up confronting quite a bit of things in their path that they had kept hidden from others and possibly themselves. So yeah, I don't. I listen. I don't know why I Arivee asked me to do this 'cause I'm not the best at answering these types of questions. Tosin just starts talking, hoping and praying that you get something out of what I'm saying. I wrote something and I've just given the longest synopsis known to man on the book. 

Arivee: No, I think you know what it is Tosin. I think a lot of people write these kinds of books where they don't wanna be really honest about why they wrote them. (Tosin: Oh. Oh. Not me.) They don't. They don't wanna put themselves out there so much. (Tosin: Yeah.) And so, I think no, you're refreshing because I think it's your honesty that that's. (Tosin: I appreciate it) I wanna talk about, and you know what I'm talking about. And if you read the book, you know what I'm talking about. (Tosin: Yeah.) There's a section in the book. You don't have it in front of you, but I do. Those folks listening its page 198, but it's it's when the girls are. Dude, I don't wanna give this away, but I have to talk about it because I think it's so. It's it's so important that we talk about it. They're doing a mirror exercise. Where in there, working through their their issues. It's a mirror exercise where they have to look literally in front of the mirror and look at themselves and say out loud how they feel. And there are other people in the same room and so. OK, if I read it quick, (Tosin: Go ahead. By all means please.) And so, it says. “So, you are sitting there with the inability to escape your own eyes and with fear of what you could possibly see. It was intimidating because the exercise required that when you got comfortable enough, you had to verbally express what you saw allowed. In the small room where everyone was going to hear every word you uttered.” And so, my question there is Tosin for this and for anyone listening. Why do you why do you feel like that mirror exercise is so impactful? Why does it? Why does it really change you? Why? Why is it and why is it so damn scary? 'Cause, it is terrifying. 

Tosin: Even just listening to you read it almost brought me to tears. So., I do the mirror exercise, so I'm I'm big on walking my talk. I really am. Even if it makes you laugh with me, even if you, even if it makes me look like a fool, I'm really big on walking my talk because I really God, is the only person that can judge me by the end of the day, no human. The mirror exercise is scary because this is my viewpoint. Very few of us really ask ourselves the necessary question of what's going on inside. Very few of us. It's a fleeting soundtrack, so it's always there. Or we don't stop and force ourselves to listen to it. (Arivee: We compartmentalize. Yeah, we do.) Big time, big time. And you don't need me to take you through the mirror exercise for any of the listeners if you feel like going through it, go through it. It is scary even with nobody in the room. (Arivee: Yes.) It is frightening (Arivee: For you to send out loud to yourself is frightening. Yes. Yes. Right.) It is frightening. So, I am not kidding when I say every time, I have done it, I've cried 'cause I'm like, WT fudge Tosin to say that. You just said that out loud. Oh my God you just said that out loud. Try it. It’s this side of the sky. I don't really think we will ever get to a point of being 1000% or 100% comfortable with who we are. I think all of us truly are the definition of a work in progress and that's what makes it scary. You think you’ve uncovered all the secrets. Right? You think you’ve done all the work. 

Arivee: And then Yeah. You realize you haven't. 

Tosin: And then you do the mirror exercise and you’re like, oh, here we go. OK, there's something else. Oh, OK, great. That's why I think it is so scary. But I think it is worth doing. And I'm not kidding. Listening to you I’m like ok Tosin it’s time for you to do it again. 

Arivee: And here's what I thought was so it's difficult enough to say what you're thinking and feeling out out loud to yourself. It's different. It's a it's very different to have a thought and then different to put it on paper and different to actually speak early. (Tosin: Very. Very.) And in the book, you say “there was something about expressing your inner thoughts aloud in the midst of others that requires you to be brave enough to think F it. And it validates those emotions as real.” (Tosin: yes.) And I love that it validates 'cause. This is being honest. This is like if you know say it out loud. It's this, this is it. And I wanna touch on one more piece to the book because I personally resonated with this very much and I think others will too, is when we're talking about being good enough. And. And so I'll just, you ok if read this passage too. (Tosin: I don’t mind. Not at all I mind. So, I wrote it. It's out there. Go ahead.) Sometimes people you know, they wanna read it, so you know, but OK. So (Tosin: Please) “I have played in my head that what everyone would tell me about moving good enough and on many days when I step into my 6-inch stiletto heels and a killer outfit that gets me the craziest looks. I feel that I'm good enough, but those other days are still there, and I haven't been able to suppress them yet. I want to say F him F everyone who doesn't think I'm good enough, but one of those people is me, so it's not as simple as saying F it. So, I am happy that I'm here being forced to deal with all of this and not fall back to my momentary escapes because I do know that I have friends who love me and and I have a guy who would paint the sky purple for me if he could. But I need to work on being good enough for me.” Tosin I can't tell you. (Tosin: I'm not even there yet.) How and we we we talked about this a little bit. You you looking at someone and saying to they must have everything. They must feel great because if I had that right, we come from that place of of scarcity what I still resonated within that paragraph and that whole storyline is it does not matter what someone tells you, they could tell you you're beautiful, you're smart, you're this, you're that you need to believe. You need to believe. And when you end, you actually have to feel that way, not intellectual understand. But feel that way and that I think is one of the greatest challenges and that's what she's working through in this book. And that's why I love that passage. Yeah. 

Tosin: What is that you said you you said it all. I don't need to add it. No. I'm really, I I'm listening to you talk and I'm like, A, she said it all. B at least for Tosin it's going to be a consistent journey. (Arivee: Yes.) I don't think in this is not me being pessimistic, not by a long shot. It is me simply saying that. Yeah, some days I figured out what you just explained, but some days. 

Arivee: Oh yeah, that is bad. I find it to be a practice like I have to do affirmations every day. I have to write down what I'm grateful for every day I have to. I have little things that I do every day to remind me to come back to myself and to be like you know what, today didn't feel this or that. That's OK. (Tosin: Yeah) you know, that to me is an everyday practice for some people. They don't like. My husband doesn't have to do that. He doesn't have the same rights. (Tosin: He he's just there.) Like what are you talking about good enough. What are you talking about? And it's like, OK, yeah, but no, it is a it is a practice, and it takes work and intention. And some days and it felt like, you know, you start a one day and then by day 60, your feel, you feel good (Tosin: No. Nope.) yes (Tosin: That’s day 62.) Yes

Tosin: Going to be like girl. Whatever. You lied to yourself like crazy. 

Arivee: Yeah. Tosin, what is your? What's your favorite book or a book that you feel was personally really impactful? 

Tosin: That's not a good question for somebody like me. Here's the truth. (Arivee: You have many give us all.) I get so much from so many books that I and this is I and I apologize to your audience because I'm not going to give you any of the books. Um. The way I said it, Tosin really. (Arivee: They'll appreciate your honesty) Here’s why. I don't remember the names. I'm one of those people that I’ll write the line or the the sentiment that I'm like, whoa, no truth. You're taking this with you. You're taking this with you. I move on to the next one. I know this is so not fair, but. It ends up not being the book or the author. Or even the totality of the book that really works for me. I don't think it really works for everybody. No offense. All these books are great. It's always a little, excerpt that Tosin w walks away with that I'm like. This is this is it. So, and and the messages changed for me. Honestly, from from moment to moment, from time to time. Based on what I needed at that time. So, it's that's the only reason why I can't give a recommendation and I apologize. I know people like to walk away with that. OK, I'm gonna go get this book, and I'm going. I see you read as many of them the ones from the Brene Browns of the world. The one’s from the Arivee Vargas is of the world, meaning the ones of the names that you know, the ones of the names you don't know. Read all of them. There's a line in there that really will help you, and if there isn't, no worries, you put it down, move on to the next one. It's not a fair question for somebody like me, 'cause that's truly how I consume my inspirational messages. It's not the person. It has nothing to do with Oprah or Gayle or none of them. It's OK did I did this thing that you wrote. Did something resonate with me? It did great. I will even forget the title and move on. (Arivee: Yes) I’m sorry, that's not very helpful. (Arivee: No) I’m sorry. 

Arivee: It is based on what you need and what it means to you. Right. Uhm, it is very true. Yes. Alright, Tosin so I know it’s the end of our time, but I have one more question for you. The last question I have. Is what does rising with humility mean to you? 

Tosin: So, number one of Bravo on just the whole title, humble rising. It's speaks to very special kind of person. I I always make sure I let the world know that I'm introverted because I know the world celebrates the opposite extroverts. So, when I hear something like humble rising or an introvert, you give me hope. For an introvert you tell me that being behind the scenes does not make me less than. Because most humble people. They don't speak for themselves. Most humble people let their actions they let what the rest of the world will say about them speak to them. They do and they end up having to live with whatever that message is, whether it's what they would have wanted to put out or not. So, when somebody puts humble rising together, it tells me that. I don't need to be seen; I'm doing this just because it makes me feel good about my soul. There is still some glory to it. There is still some and I don't wanna use depth. I wanna use height. It is still a glorious word that just keeps coming to me. I I see this humble person. With these beans arounds them, because the rest of the world sees that. In all of their humility, in all of their not shoving, my message down your throat and all of their take it as you want. They are still shining, and they're shine actually ends up being a whole lot bigger than the ones who were shoving everything down the throat so that that's what it's a gives me hope for the high school kid who isn't the loudest in the room but might be the smartest. It gives me hope for that same kid who is just chugging along finding them themselves. Not getting discouraged because they are still going to not get, not just make it when something rises. I mean Lord have mercy. I'm seeing a phoenix just come out. That's what it gives me and there's some beauty to that because it's not what is expected. It sounds as if it should be opposite. It isn't. Because again, that's how we end up being impacted by the most nothing against extroverts. I think extroverts, gosh, you guys have gotten your shine like forever so. Nothing against them. Again, as an introvert, that it resonates very deeply with me, maybe more so than I I'm curious to hear what an extrovert resonates with with the with the phrase humble rising or rising with humility. You could not have crafted a better message for the introverts of the world. You couldn't have. 

Arivee: Thank you, Tosin. Thanks. This was Great. Oh, this was such a great conversation. I'm gonna have to have you back. Um. 

Tosin: I’m happy I did this. I really am. 

Arivee: This is great, really. Thank you so much for for joining me and for being so honest and being you as always. (Tosin: *Laughs* I can’t help myself) Yeah. You’re always a breath fresh air and I always feel connected to you. So, I just wanna thank you so much. 

Tosin: Thank you so much. Thank you. Have a lovely one. To all her listeners. She is truly amazing. She's an absolute sweetheart. She is just truly amazing. And I called her help earlier on. She's not a pushover. She's a helper. She's not a pushover. She's amazing. And yes, I hope I get to come back. This was amazing. I feel honored. Special that you invited me on your show. I love it. Thank you. 

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Arivee: Thanks so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed the conversation with Tosin. Here are the key takeaways from our conversation. Number one. We need to self-confront not just reflect. Self-confrontation means you are 100% honest about who you are, your values, what you can and can't do in your ability. It also means understanding that if you don't have the ability yet being honest that you'll need to equip yourself with what you need to get it #2. You have to get very uncomfortable with the false reality you’ve believed in, and you have to believe it's simply not good enough for you anymore. If you want to really change your actions to get what you want, being honest with yourself is the foundation. Without that, nothing changes. Number 3. Fulfilment must be self-defined when we look to others’ expectations of us. And it could be families, cultures or societies, expectations or hold onto our old expectations of ourselves that no longer apply to us to determine that fulfillment, we won't be satisfied that type of fulfillment isn't coming from deep inside of us, so it's not going to last. Number four, think about and write down 5 core values that define you right now, not the values expected of you. What really are your core values? Don't run away from this type of work. Number 5 and that's the last one. Rising humbly means rising to step into the best of who you are and honoring who you are and being able to shine in your own unique way, especially for Tosin's fellow introverts. Now my friends. If you want to find Tosin to connect with her and learn more about her simple blueprint coaching program. Please reach out to her on Instagram. Her handle is @thetosinrichard. I love her post there encouraging, and they're honest and they're so real. So please follow her and connect with her. Also, don't forget to subscribe to this podcast so you don't miss an episode if you want my weekly doses of inspiration, motivation. Click the link in the show notes to subscribe, and if you've been asking yourself how to figure out the next step in your career, I've got a career clarity guide just for you. It's a framework with questions for you to work through. Check out the show notes for the link. Until next time, keep stepping into how incredibly powerful you are.

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